On Changing my Name
Image via Pinterest
A few months ago at my bridal shower, the late-night crew was talking over the final round of margaritas when the topic of changing our last names post-marriage came up. It felt like an episode of Sex and the City, sharing stories and opinions with friends and women of different generations, with one woman a few decades older noting that keeping your name wasn’t even an option when she got married in the 80s.
Bringing up the surprisingly taboo subject on Instagram evoked the most and strongest responses I’ve ever gotten. So.. have you or would you ever change your last name when getting married?
I grew up in a small town, where most women became stay-at-home moms and took their husbands’ last names, so as a young girl, the only option I knew was changing my name after marriage. Fast forward to law school, where I was surrounded by successful, powerful women, where it was abnormal and patriarchal to change your name, especially after establishing yourself in career and dedicating years to earning degrees in your name.
When I started deciding what to do post-marriage, I dove deep into researching the “why” behind a woman changing her name, which coincided with my ongoing interest in the history of power and women. I also sat with myself and with what felt right, allowing the decision to be fully mine.
Before I got engaged and really started understanding the meaning of marriage, I experienced many significant chapters in life, and versions of myself. Becoming a wife shockingly felt so much more of a new era in self, that I started considering changing my name as a representation of who I am becoming as a woman.
When I examined adding Arjun’s last name to my own, it was never about him, or his family - it was always about me and choosing who I wanted to be known as in this next chapter of life. Think the many versions of J.Lo or Christina Auguliera/Xtina.
I polled my followers on Instagram, and was surprised at the intensity of people’s opinions, and excited to learn what women thought. 33% changed their last name after marriage or did a hyphenation/combo, 22% messaged me their mixed thoughts, and 44% said they never would.
Most of the women who said they would never take their husband’s last name cited patriarchal reasons against it, and the requirement of giving up their own identity, which was the strongest reason for not changing my name. Historically, and still in many cultures, women do not change their names after marriage, and in the distant past, lineage and inheritance were actually passed through women and their names.
Then I started reflecting on what it would be like if, instead of adding on my future husband’s last name, I took my mother’s maiden name in part to reflect my next-level self in this new wife era. This led me into a rabbit hole of realizing that my mom’s, grandmas’, and great-grandmas’ last names were all from men. That’s when I made the decision that choosing to change my last name from Munroe to Munroe Chelliah was the most powerful and me decision that I could make.
I was no longer just Munroe, a name passed down from my father, and his father, and the fathers before, but choosing to walk as Paulina Munroe Chelliah, a choice made fully by me.
When girlfriends heard the news, they asked if Arjun or his family were making me take his family name (no), or outright told me not to do it. While this choice may not be for every woman, the most important thing as a feminist when deciding whether to keep or change your name after marriage is to do what feels right for you.